2013 - Window closing ...

I thought directly to go 2013 instead of writing a dull monologue
about 2012. In short my 2012 is nothing but, 
                  2012= shift + delete (except few moments.)
Life became hard after college days n still struggling to find a
way to get into my higher studies .. Like any medico i  never knew 
the difficulty n hopeless feel life ll give after college days. For past 
two years my life has been limited to a small room with books n lot
of sleep n despair. Days,weeks,months n after 2 years i finally feel i 
ve reached my breaking point. After all everyone has his breaking point. 

                               

Somehow i wanna get out of this place n find a beginning. I m so 
desperate like i ve decided even if the results dont go in favour i 
want to move in life with what i got. Finding a job ll be a very easy 
thing only got to convince ur mind to settle for it .  

After all these days i'm  losing count of days, months, weekend ,
festivals finally now i feel i lost my mind too , losing my  touch 
of holding myself under any circumstances..I can very well see i 
ve changed so badly n mind in so bad shape.I cant even pretend 
to be ok now a days.Some days earlier i read my old blogs was 
completly in disbelief was i the one wrote all such funny stuffs n
 leg pulling incidents.

Being in a room all day for two yrs is taking toll in my sanity too.
. Someday i sleep by morning 11am when the whole world is running 
after life n wake up by 6.pm n take mins to know whether its early 
morning or sun has set.And Early morning when i wake up it takes 
atleast half n hour to pull myself out of bed to get the day moving..
 life moves at such a ominous slow pace i hate wall clock to such a
 extent i want break it with my own hands.. somedays i lay blank in bed
 staring at ceiling for hours and this doubt creeps in "Whether im a normal 
person or having any schizophrenic pblms" 

Atleast 2012 had its few best moments and a window of hope n 
happiness ,now 2013 has seized that too n the window is closing 
or apparently closed. With age u understand how least limitation
or control you ve about the things happen around you. You never
know who will walk into your life n you never know when they ll
decide to walk away. You can never work a formula for it or a
reason.Everything happens with a flow and its painfully true 
that you are a spectator of things that happen around you. Once
i thought a man controls all his actions n surroundings even blogged
it somewhere ,now i would like to get back those lines.

                                              

Finally i feel as if the only window of my room n life is closing n
already feel suffocating , its high-time i move on ..
Its better i start to move my wheels , hardly one month all my results
ll be out n fate ll be decided . Even in any worst case scenario
i ll move on from everything and everybody. Life is not about 
forgetting or trying to overwrite it with new chapters ,its about 
knowing to live with what u got.
  
When i cant walk i prefer to crawl rather than expecting a crutch .

IIT n me

I need not tell u the title of this blog is a misnomer . For record I havent 
seen a IIT campus not even its canteen.. this thing happened during my 
12th std.. My school is a result hungry school n would do anything for 
getting a newspaper ad show off results. For me 12th subjects were 
started by 11th itself ..The pattern in 11th was, first 5days 
of week 11th subjects and saturday n sunday v had 12th subjects. 
Yes u read it right sunday was a working day in my school for highschool 
students.

                                      

So since subjects were in such rapid pace my 12th subjects were 
over by august and the revision mode started.My school started 
playing all tricks to get highresults.One such was to segregate 15 
 n give special test series . I still dont know how i made it into the 
top 15 may be my chemistry marks was always high or i got high 
marks in tamil [reason for tamil high marks is not my language skill 
but the tamil mam happened to be my friend ,vil write it in a special post ;) ]
 I was the odd man out of 15,i was never a brilliant student or a regular 
reading student .. i went n asked to the Principal to please let me of this 
group n i want to be with among others ..she refused n 
warned me for asking so.. 

With no other option left i had to leave regular classroom n go 
to a another class were v had special classes n special test series. 
No wonder i was always the last scorer among the 15 n felt v.self 
embarrassed ..but more than that this segregation has taken 
me out of the class were my school days crush  was there.. started 
missing her badly n thought this is the end of it n i can never see her 
in the same first bench window seat again ..but like in fairytale, v think 
one but God ll have another end for the story i thought, but god didnt 
want to play or surprise me this time so as i expected that
 was the end of me watching her endlessly in class.. 

                                                        
Now back to the classroom, among various  classes one was a class
 for  IIT exam !!! taken by a outside professor ..grr i still remember 
his name but dont wanna mention it here..It was a complete bullshit 
class.. as u all know tamilnadu has state syllabus for 11 n 12 th 
which was no way closer to CBSE level n with few months left 
for board exam he comes daily to solve IIT questions .. even now i 
cant understand this stupid concept n 1 1/2 months torture by him .. i 
never volunteered for appearing in IIT exams but was forced 
to attend. This grumpy man comes to class exactly the first class after 
lunch writes IIT questions in board n asks us to solve..with just 15 in a 
class i couldnt succeed my usual trick in maths class by not lifting head 
the entire class to avoid eye contact or just pretend to scribble something  
in note as if working out pblms..

                                           

                                            

Sooner He found out im not able to match 
the level n started to focus on me more n torture became more ...
                                                 

Back then i was a notorious boy with impulsive attitude.This went 
for a while n i couldnt stand so i planned to skip maths n in the next 
two exams i scored a just pass level of marks which as expected pulled 
a review meeting with principal .. when i was asked for the 
reason i pointed him saying he makes me learn lots of new formulas 
n that doesnt workout with state syllabus plus im not able to understand 
his way of communication .. unexpectedly everyone in the group came out 
open after i spilled the bean n there were row of complaints 
against him .. School which is concerned with 12 results than anything 
fired him immediately n my sorrow came to an end .. Now after all these 
yrs while driving i found a board with his name saying IIT tution  taken 
here ..i remembered the days with him.. 

Useless trivia : Unluckily the professor's daughter was my colg junior and 
unfortunately she was the only girl i ragged in my colg days ..

Moral :  Dear professor's Dont mess with me if u ve a daughter ;-)

Old Friends ...

You know you are getting old when u start to meet a person ,shake hands 
and wonder whether its been 8 years or 10 years we last met . 

                                       

Couple of incidences happened in last few days  it made me feel i'm 
getting old and inevitably made me nostalgic too. Went to a marriage and 
a friend comes around with smiles and shaking hands asking 
"Do u remember me ??" Although i remembered him with first glance
still took my time to recognise him bcos i wasnt sure whether to call him
 by his childhood nickname[not so good one to call] or address him
 by his full name,later i decided to call him by his christened name.So after
 exchanging pleasantries i asked him what he was doing,he replied he is a
Scientist in some @#$ research lab and working on molecular gentics !!!
 Yes you shud ve seen my face that time and was glad i called him by
 his fullname ;). Its not that i couldnt digest the fact that he is a scientist the
pblm i couldnt digest the years that ve rolled in between.He was completly in
 different clock regarding his career and my clock was a super slow one and 
still ticking at its own pace.Then we started sharing the old days stories of 
building treehouse,cooking in garden etc.

Then i met the another kindergarden days friend, he came so cheerfully 
with a bright white shirt and was so friendly as usual he used to be ,when i 
asked him what he was doing he said he is Personal assistant to local Minister 
here and said he is also his binami, was surprised to see him too in 
such different profession and was wondering what happened to his engineering
 degree and jobs related to it but didnt want to embarrass him so left the
 questions and said i was happy for him.

Suddenly a thought started to creep in my mind that everyone is settled in
 life somehow and am i the only person struggling in my career.As usual 
when thought goes wild i get out of it somehow,this time it was by night 
show movie. Filled with deep thoughts n not interested in staring at the crowd
i just went into theatre with blunt look and before getting into my seat 
as usual i stepped over the foot of unknown and as usual expected it to be 
some dashing girl with whom i can strike a conversation by apologizing
 and as usual it happened to be some random guy and as usual hid my 
disappointment and sat next to him.Only unusual thing was he was another
 old friend whom i know from diaper days and spent all our childhood in 
same neighborhood,he recognized me and we started to talk but i 
carefully avoided the question of what he is doing now and talked 
common things, then at one point the movie screen started to rise
 with a English unheard song and thats  when he said he is unemployed
 and struggling to find a job and came to movie theatre to kill his 
thoughts for few hours.Hearing this the theater went black out waiting 
for projector rays to fill the screen and the few seconds in btw the 
blackout and projector ray a soul smiled completely for the first time 
in the day and the next seat guy couldnt see his smile bcos of the movie 
theater balckout :) Simple pleasures ;) .Its not that i'm mocking him its 
just when my selfconscious cleared my dampened thoughts that its not
 only i'm struggling in life.
                                     

Most often this is wat happens ,v feel as if v r the 
only one suffering and God is cursing us alone.For most of the day i forgot 
that i ve such a beautiful life and i'm healthy and in my sound frame
 of mind. I not the kind of person who indulges sadness by seeing others
 success but everyman has his exceptions and i fall into that trap sometimes.
Glad i found myself back and rolling at my pace.I know my clock is
 ticking slow and i never predict my future but onething is sure for
 me, life is not going to be  like this forever its gonna change oneday and
 i dont know whether its going to be in favour of my side or not.This stalled 
life with less people around is boring and frustrating but having a life with
 not a penny in your pockets to spend and being alone is such a golden
 moments of ur life bcos i cant be irresponsible like this forever. I'm liking
 this phase of life and when i think about these days in future i'm  sure it ll give 
me a smile bcos of the way i'm holding myself , i'm quite proud of myself.