Friday, January 4, 2013
about 2012. In short my 2012 is nothing but,
2012= shift + delete (except few moments.)
Life became hard after college days n still struggling to find a
way to get into my higher studies .. Like any medico i never knew
the difficulty n hopeless feel life ll give after college days. For past
two years my life has been limited to a small room with books n lot
of sleep n despair. Days,weeks,months n after 2 years i finally feel i
ve reached my breaking point. After all everyone has his breaking point.
Somehow i wanna get out of this place n find a beginning. I m so
desperate like i ve decided even if the results dont go in favour i
want to move in life with what i got. Finding a job ll be a very easy
thing only got to convince ur mind to settle for it .
After all these days i'm losing count of days, months, weekend ,
festivals finally now i feel i lost my mind too , losing my touch
of holding myself under any circumstances..I can very well see i
ve changed so badly n mind in so bad shape.I cant even pretend
to be ok now a days.Some days earlier i read my old blogs was
completly in disbelief was i the one wrote all such funny stuffs n
leg pulling incidents.
Being in a room all day for two yrs is taking toll in my sanity too.
. Someday i sleep by morning 11am when the whole world is running
after life n wake up by 6.pm n take mins to know whether its early
morning or sun has set.And Early morning when i wake up it takes
atleast half n hour to pull myself out of bed to get the day moving..
life moves at such a ominous slow pace i hate wall clock to such a
extent i want break it with my own hands.. somedays i lay blank in bed
staring at ceiling for hours and this doubt creeps in "Whether im a normal
person or having any schizophrenic pblms"
Atleast 2012 had its few best moments and a window of hope n
happiness ,now 2013 has seized that too n the window is closing
or apparently closed. With age u understand how least limitation
or control you ve about the things happen around you. You never
know who will walk into your life n you never know when they ll
decide to walk away. You can never work a formula for it or a
reason.Everything happens with a flow and its painfully true
that you are a spectator of things that happen around you. Once
i thought a man controls all his actions n surroundings even blogged
it somewhere ,now i would like to get back those lines.
Finally i feel as if the only window of my room n life is closing n
already feel suffocating , its high-time i move on ..
Its better i start to move my wheels , hardly one month all my results
ll be out n fate ll be decided . Even in any worst case scenario
i ll move on from everything and everybody. Life is not about
forgetting or trying to overwrite it with new chapters ,its about
knowing to live with what u got.
When i cant walk i prefer to crawl rather than expecting a crutch .
Posted by shiva... at 12:57 AM
Saturday, December 8, 2012
I need not tell u the title of this blog is a misnomer . For record I havent
seen a IIT campus not even its canteen.. this thing happened during my
12th std.. My school is a result hungry school n would do anything for
getting a newspaper ad show off results. For me 12th subjects were
started by 11th itself ..The pattern in 11th was, first 5days
of week 11th subjects and saturday n sunday v had 12th subjects.
Yes u read it right sunday was a working day in my school for highschool
So since subjects were in such rapid pace my 12th subjects were
over by august and the revision mode started.My school started
playing all tricks to get highresults.One such was to segregate 15
n give special test series . I still dont know how i made it into the
top 15 may be my chemistry marks was always high or i got high
marks in tamil [reason for tamil high marks is not my language skill
but the tamil mam happened to be my friend ,vil write it in a special post ;) ]
I was the odd man out of 15,i was never a brilliant student or a regular
reading student .. i went n asked to the Principal to please let me of this
group n i want to be with among others ..she refused n
warned me for asking so..
With no other option left i had to leave regular classroom n go
to a another class were v had special classes n special test series.
No wonder i was always the last scorer among the 15 n felt v.self
embarrassed ..but more than that this segregation has taken
me out of the class were my school days crush was there.. started
missing her badly n thought this is the end of it n i can never see her
in the same first bench window seat again ..but like in fairytale, v think
one but God ll have another end for the story i thought, but god didnt
want to play or surprise me this time so as i expected that
was the end of me watching her endlessly in class..
Now back to the classroom, among various classes one was a class
for IIT exam !!! taken by a outside professor ..grr i still remember
his name but dont wanna mention it here..It was a complete bullshit
class.. as u all know tamilnadu has state syllabus for 11 n 12 th
which was no way closer to CBSE level n with few months left
for board exam he comes daily to solve IIT questions .. even now i
cant understand this stupid concept n 1 1/2 months torture by him .. i
never volunteered for appearing in IIT exams but was forced
to attend. This grumpy man comes to class exactly the first class after
lunch writes IIT questions in board n asks us to solve..with just 15 in a
class i couldnt succeed my usual trick in maths class by not lifting head
the entire class to avoid eye contact or just pretend to scribble something
in note as if working out pblms..
Sooner He found out im not able to match
the level n started to focus on me more n torture became more ...
Back then i was a notorious boy with impulsive attitude.This went
for a while n i couldnt stand so i planned to skip maths n in the next
two exams i scored a just pass level of marks which as expected pulled
a review meeting with principal .. when i was asked for the
reason i pointed him saying he makes me learn lots of new formulas
n that doesnt workout with state syllabus plus im not able to understand
his way of communication .. unexpectedly everyone in the group came out
open after i spilled the bean n there were row of complaints
against him .. School which is concerned with 12 results than anything
fired him immediately n my sorrow came to an end .. Now after all these
yrs while driving i found a board with his name saying IIT tution taken
here ..i remembered the days with him..
Useless trivia : Unluckily the professor's daughter was my colg junior and
unfortunately she was the only girl i ragged in my colg days ..
Moral : Dear professor's Dont mess with me if u ve a daughter ;-)
Posted by shiva... at 8:02 PM
Thursday, July 5, 2012
You know you are getting old when u start to meet a person ,shake hands
and wonder whether its been 8 years or 10 years we last met .
Couple of incidences happened in last few days it made me feel i'm
getting old and inevitably made me nostalgic too. Went to a marriage and
a friend comes around with smiles and shaking hands asking
"Do u remember me ??" Although i remembered him with first glance
still took my time to recognise him bcos i wasnt sure whether to call him
by his childhood nickname[not so good one to call] or address him
by his full name,later i decided to call him by his christened name.So after
exchanging pleasantries i asked him what he was doing,he replied he is a
Scientist in some @#$ research lab and working on molecular gentics !!!
Yes you shud ve seen my face that time and was glad i called him by
his fullname ;). Its not that i couldnt digest the fact that he is a scientist the
pblm i couldnt digest the years that ve rolled in between.He was completly in
different clock regarding his career and my clock was a super slow one and
still ticking at its own pace.Then we started sharing the old days stories of
building treehouse,cooking in garden etc.
Then i met the another kindergarden days friend, he came so cheerfully
with a bright white shirt and was so friendly as usual he used to be ,when i
asked him what he was doing he said he is Personal assistant to local Minister
here and said he is also his binami, was surprised to see him too in
such different profession and was wondering what happened to his engineering
degree and jobs related to it but didnt want to embarrass him so left the
questions and said i was happy for him.
Suddenly a thought started to creep in my mind that everyone is settled in
life somehow and am i the only person struggling in my career.As usual
when thought goes wild i get out of it somehow,this time it was by night
show movie. Filled with deep thoughts n not interested in staring at the crowd
i just went into theatre with blunt look and before getting into my seat
as usual i stepped over the foot of unknown and as usual expected it to be
some dashing girl with whom i can strike a conversation by apologizing
and as usual it happened to be some random guy and as usual hid my
disappointment and sat next to him.Only unusual thing was he was another
old friend whom i know from diaper days and spent all our childhood in
same neighborhood,he recognized me and we started to talk but i
carefully avoided the question of what he is doing now and talked
common things, then at one point the movie screen started to rise
with a English unheard song and thats when he said he is unemployed
and struggling to find a job and came to movie theatre to kill his
thoughts for few hours.Hearing this the theater went black out waiting
for projector rays to fill the screen and the few seconds in btw the
blackout and projector ray a soul smiled completely for the first time
in the day and the next seat guy couldnt see his smile bcos of the movie
theater balckout :) Simple pleasures ;) .Its not that i'm mocking him its
just when my selfconscious cleared my dampened thoughts that its not
only i'm struggling in life.
Most often this is wat happens ,v feel as if v r the
only one suffering and God is cursing us alone.For most of the day i forgot
that i ve such a beautiful life and i'm healthy and in my sound frame
of mind. I not the kind of person who indulges sadness by seeing others
success but everyman has his exceptions and i fall into that trap sometimes.
Glad i found myself back and rolling at my pace.I know my clock is
ticking slow and i never predict my future but onething is sure for
me, life is not going to be like this forever its gonna change oneday and
i dont know whether its going to be in favour of my side or not.This stalled
life with less people around is boring and frustrating but having a life with
not a penny in your pockets to spend and being alone is such a golden
moments of ur life bcos i cant be irresponsible like this forever. I'm liking
this phase of life and when i think about these days in future i'm sure it ll give
me a smile bcos of the way i'm holding myself , i'm quite proud of myself.
Posted by shiva... at 11:05 PM