Where Am I ??

....complete darkness , its so dark than the dark. I can see nothing inside , i felt hostile and wanna get out of it but i insist to go on... For a while it was so silent , i kept my hand near ears to hear any sound .
I could hear Nothing not even whistling sound of the breeze , it struck later the place i'm now has no air - the space is VACCUM . I started to fear whether this is Hell??

just waited for something to happen ... not suddenly , slowly i started to see rays of light dispersing and taking forms to be precise irregular forms . It was not continuous just flickering of images n sound ... I started to focus on images and made out some images like

- i'm smiling with friends

- hear a music track probably Raja's songs

- a gal comes into view , its glaring so i shrink my eyes n see it again "oh god" its her how she s hear ?? i never knew she s here , i thought she left long before

- a group of people stand there staring at me , i went close n saw - they were all people
who i hate on earth

-i see myself now , i'm looking good at 50 a bit bald but still fit with stiff shoulders n ordering men

- then i see hitler , achilles , alexander all standing near to one another

- then all Hollywood celebrity smiling at me

- ah ! there stands actress sridevi , she s still young there

- on the other side all my friends r sitting together n chatting

- lots of books and lots of schedule written here n there of what to be done

- Now hear lots of bad words ; a voice s scolding me for being lazy , not even moving single page a day , the voice questions my confidence n whether i got any brains after all ...

I cant take more - i hit back the Voice by saying FUCKING RETARD ! FUCK YOURSELF ..

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Now i'm back to this world . Shit ! thought to attempt to know what is in our mind n went inside ,,, che thu .... its a fucking worst place than outside , no happiness there too....

AS final yr mbbs exams r nearing i find all the places are making me uncomfortable ... I say many times a day that everyone has changed , noone minds others , my friends all are living in their own island so n so.... i am obviously stressing myself , urging myself to change ..

Every day i woke up saying today i must change- but i dont know what to change in me and where to change .... Just pushing me to the saddest part of my mind .
I feel everything unreal -
i 'm sad without any reasons ,
i'm dejected without cause
i feel hurt without any failure or relationship break up ....

suddenly i get a feel that i must start a New Life . Even now i dont know how to complete this post - may be i'm .. mm ... donno what i'm now ....

i dont even want to post this post ,a bit awkward feel ... ANyway .

P.s : the only thing i find interesting now -a -days is chatting with my lost school friend ,means studied in school - lost contact - found after 5 yrs , nice to chat with that friend , have a lots of distance between us , not easy to meet , so very exciting to chat with , also not a medico so again a relief to speak something other than my subject n listen to . .

p.p.s That friend is SHE enough ; go to sleep .